The Viewer Brain

The first step is complete. I've officially graduated college. I admit, there was a bit of a scare involving my grades, but in the end that worked itself out. Now it's on to grad school. I got accepted into by backup, which is nice (especially since they did it lightning fast), and today I sent off all of the paperwork to get into my first choice. It's a bit weird, sitting on my ass in something of a nervous comfort. I know what'll be ahead of me no matter what, but what freaks me out is what's now behind. I don't know how the next few years are going to shape up for me, but I know what the last few has done. I don't like all of it, especially the bad days, but there were a lot of good ones too. I just wish that I don't pull my usual maneuvers and disconnect.

So, this morning started at 7 for me. Today was finally the day that I took the GRE. Everything went well, no traffic, got there on time, everything went smooth. I had to write the confidentiality statement, which meant that I had to write in cursive for the first time in years. Then came the test. The writing section was where I was worried because that's usually my weakest spot. However, I feel like I did okay, even though I won't know my score for at least a week and a half. As far as the verbal section, I knew that there were a few questions that I straight fucked up, however, I did about as I expected and how I wanted. The math section was where I pwned. I thought that I was going to run out of time because some of the questions were a bit computationally intense, but I finished with a couple of minutes to spare. In the end:

Verbal - 520
Qualitative - 800

For a total of 1320. I wanted at least a 1300-1350, so I got right in the middle of my range. Now, even with my grades, I gave myself a fighting chance for the grad school I want. Now, it's just a matter of getting the rest of my letters and applying. By this time next month I should be close to knowing my fate. Even though I'm still looking for signs, I have to do what I have to do.

The past two days have put me on yet another emotional roller coaster. It seems to me now that my life is happening in bits and spurts. Anyway, it all started on Thursday. A friend of mine needed reassurance on whether or not he would have a shot at getting into grad school. Even though his GRE score was a bit weak, his GPA was through the roof, so I let him know he was fine. However, when I looked at my grades, there was a shock. Even though my cumulative GPA is a 3.04, my adjusted GPA is only a 2.8, which really doesn't mean shit. I can try to pull it closer to a 3.0, but it's hard when I only need one class and I'm taking two. There's really no way around it save for a bad ass GRE and a bit of luck. I've been told to try to apply anyway, but now I have a less than desired backup plan. So that got me worried. I realized that all of my friends were either stagnating through this phase of their life or advancing too slowly for anyone to notice. I'm starting to approach my mid-twenties, and I really, REALLY don't want that right now. I've already moved on from a lot of things, and I don't want to physically have to stay behind.

Then, yesterday. I got the opportunity to help babysit my nephew for the day. I have to tell you, for a near one-year-old, he's smart. He's starting to show some of my better characteristics. Anyway, he was pretty calm and played around a lot, he even took a nap for a couple of hours. He got up not too long before I had to run an errand, so I thought that the situation was under control. I thought wrong. When I came back two hours later, my mother was out of breath and kept complaining over what happened. Long story short, she needed a shower and I had to vacuum a couple of times and clean the carpet. Overall, it was a good day, and I kept getting praised about my assistance. I have to say that day also helped me think about the future. That morning, hearing him cry at 7 AM (which I was totally unaware that he would be arriving that early until five hours before) while getting little sleep made me want to hurt my mom for keeping me in the dark, but after playing with him all day it helped me realize that if I do have kids, the good does indeed outweigh the bad.

In short, I was forced again to re-evaluate what I'm gonna do down the road. I still don't know, but I have a better idea, and I still have hope of getting some of what I wish for, even if it means sleep deprivation.

As many of you know, this was a weekend that I had been waiting for for around 2 1/2 months. Saturday was the day of the big rugby match on campus. Now I won't bore you with a full match report, but here's a general rundown:

Leeds Rhinos 12, Salford City Reds 10

It didn't take long for the Reds to show they weren't a team that was going to roll over, as they scored two quick tries in the first quarter. Luckily the wind was playing a bit of a role to make the angle severe enough that one of the tries wasn't converted. The second and third quarters saw Leeds wake up both offensively and defensively. They were able to stop the reds, including a goal-line stand. However, the Rhinos were stopped a couple of times themselves, including some costly turnovers inside the 10-meter line. However, they did enough to not only score a try early in the second on a big run, but two fourth quarter tries sealed the deal with only minutes left. It was a great game, just wish they could get a better announcer that knew the rules.

Afterwards I went to the post-game party downtown. I must say, it was well worth the $6 (and $5 for parking). I managed to run into a deal they had that for an extra 50 cents, I got a deal that gave me a nice-sized jar full of vodka and Sprite to drink and keep (BTW raspberry Three Olives makes for a good mix). After a while though, I realized why bars have never really been my scene. There was the usual wasted guy who kept stumbling around, and the people who wanted to ride the mechanical bull (though that was fun to watch). There were some nice people (especially those who flew in from Leeds for the game) and I was able to have a quick chat with some of the players (who were nice enough to pass around my program so they autograph it), but after everyone settled into their own mix I knew it was time to leave.

Overall, between the match, learning cool chants from the crowd, and just the general experie

Last night I watched the latest episode of NUMB3RS, like I always do. It got me to thinking, like it sometimes does. The ideas it went over got me to take a look at where I am now. It reminded me why I made my list of goals (even though sadly none of them have been accomplished yet). That coupled with the events of the first week of the semester reminded me why I'm graduating and leaving town. There's nothing here anymore. I looked back and saw that everyone will probably be better off after I leave, that everyone has evolved into having their own life. Also, it got me talking with my mom, something that I usually can't do. There were some things that she told me about my life that actually make sense as to some things I'm feeling now. The arrow of time is showing me which way it goes, and is pushing me to follow. I can't look back at the regrets that I've had throughout my life, I have to focus on what regrets I'll have a year, two years, five years from now. I don't want to be sitting in my place in Orlando with my Ph.D. in my hand having the same conversation about wasting my life, however I want to be in a situation where I can make this possible instead of having to wait three or four months. Somehow I think I've gotten stuck, and I don't know how to get unstuck.

So far, so, well, yeah. I left early because I woke up early and had nothing else to do. I thought I would have to hunt for a parking space, and one showed up right when I got there, so that was good. I thought I was going to have to wait in a crowd to drop off an application for graduation, turns out I could (and did) do it online, even better. This left me with some time to kill before class. I unveiled a list of goals that I recently made, to expected reviews. Then I got the opportunity to meet my new boss. This is where my worst fears were realized: she's hot, real hot, and I work for her now. I'm sure you can see the problem. My first class of the semester turned out well, I know it'll be a bit of work, but it'll be fun and funny. Not to mention that not only was the book cheap ($50), but I didn't have to wait long in the bookstore to get it either. I must say, things are falling into place.

Yes, it's that time of year where I look back and figure out where the hell I am on this planet. This was a more chaotic year than usual, one of accomplishments and loss. It started out well with my Capstone class and giving a talk in front of people, which I'm good at. Also, I ring in 2009 with only one class before I graduate and move on to bigger and hopefully better things. However, this was more so a year of loss. My aunt finally lost her battle with cancer six months ago, and just before Thanksgiving my cousin was brutally murdered. Needless to say that threw my brain and my family life into a tailspin. Now I sit here waiting word about my grandmother and possibly another aunt to move down to live here. I'm excited because I love my grandma, even though I'm going to hear a LOT more conversations than I want to on this topic. Otherwise family life hasn't changed like I wanted it to, and it looks like it'll be up to me to get the situation I want, the downside being I'll have to wait until I graduate to make that happen.

Work wise, this year was awesome. I got to work with a bunch of great people and once again I enjoy going into my job, not to mention another one from the gameroom might be joining the staff. Also, next week I meet my new boss. Hopefully she's not hot, because as you out there know, working for a hot chick is awkward on so many levels. It'll be sad to leave everyone, but I'm sure they'll have some nice things to say about me.

As far as everything else, I can't quite say it's the same, but I can't quite say it's different either. I got out more this year. I went to Avenue Q, a rugby match, a convention, and I had a couple of good parties. But, with all of this, there still these nagging feelings I get. I wonder now that I'm on the verge of something big, will everything that everyone says will happen actually happen? I've been through some arguments and got some key people to reveal their true emotions, and at a very cheap price. Managing the aftereffects have been mixed, though. There are certain things I've accepted about myself, some things that I really didn't want to. But there are still others that I desperately want to change, and unless something big happens, I doubt they will. They might start changing soon after I write this, they might not. Either way, tonight will once again set the tone for 2009. I guess I can say the State of the Viewer is a bit better than it was 366 days ago, but there's still a few hours to find out.

...have been both exciting and weird. First, a side note: I've been paying attention to the weather forecasts the last couple of days and can sum up the weather around the country in three words: cold, wet, and Florida. Either you're buried in snow, rain, or you're in Florida enjoying near 80 degree days flipping off everyone else. Weird.

Now to the meat and potatoes of this entry. As some of you may know there's an important piece of news that I've been waiting on: my Advanced Calc grade. That one letter decides the next year and a half of my life, and waiting to see what that letter is has created moments where I could feel my heart beating in my chest. Well, today I learned that letter is a C.

What does this mean, you ask? Well, to put it bluntly: I PASSED!! WHOOOOOO!! Now I can look forward to the next few months and make plans to actually graduate. That being said, from here out it's class, work, looking at schools and taking the GRE. I've decided that it's either UCF or a school in California that will be my future home, I just need to look around. Here's the summary of my semester and my schedule for what should be my last semester of college:

Advanced Calculus I - C
Ethics of Death and Dying - B

Advanced Calculus II - TR 4:30 - 5:45
Cryptography (with an excited Don Mateo) - MW 12 - 1:15

It feels so weird that I've almost made it, but I have to keep in mind: almost.

But, things have happened in the life of Yours Truly, rather than go bit by bit, here's a quick version.

School: Classes are going well for the most part. I've been recommended to take the Putnam exam, which is a week from Saturday. I've known about it for a while, and thankfully there's been workshops that I can and have attended to prepare myself. It's no big deal if I don't do well, but it's a HUGE deal if I do, needless to say. Wish me luck. In other news, last night I had an unpleasant but expected conversation with my Advanced Calc professor. He basically told me that I can do better, he's confident in me, and if I perform on the final I can get a C and pass. If that happens, then here's my schedule for next semester:

Cryptography MW 12-1:15
Advanced Calc II TR 4:30-5:45

Computers: Both my desktop and my laptop decided to fuck up on me recently. For the desktop, it was a Windows driver. A few minutes on the phone, some dust cleaning, and a new copy of Windows and it's better than before. I lost a huge chunk of my collection, but I'm really not missing it, nor am I planning to replenish it anytime soon. If anyone is interested, I have some passwords to some torrent sites (complete with accounts and DAMN good ratios). All I ask is you keep my reputation intact or improve upon it. For the laptop, it started showing print patterns, then when booted up nothing. First support attempt: it's the video card. Several calls to HP and a second attempt later, it's the motherboard. After about a week of hassle, hang-ups, and rudeness, HP's offering to fix it for free. I even get to keep my hard drive. So that turned out well.

Family: This is the part that hurts the most. Last week my 16-year-old cousin was found beaten and stabbed to death. It pisses me off because it could've and should've been avoided. Most of my extended family never really cared about him. In fact, their either at each other's throats or trying to pin the blame on someone. Every time I hear about it I've wanted to punch something. Luckily the less I hear, the more I can avoid them, and the better it gets. Things could've been a lot different if the people who were close to him gave a shit instead of sitting back while people a thousand miles away do. However, when you have a family like mine, what else do you expect?

Well, that's it for me. Now it's on to Thanksgiving. It's nowhere near what I thought it would be a couple of months or a couple of weeks ago, but it's here anyway.

However, here's a quick bit about EXP. Friday was off because the ball was dropped concerning guests and the game show panel. The rest of the con got better. I want it to come back, I got drunk, I didn't take a lot of pictures. If you want to ask me more, I'll explain somewhere other than here. Later!

I awoke this morning realizing that today was Tuesday. Moreover, that today was Tuesday, October 14th. Even more so, that it is just three days until what will be the greatest convention that I will attend and participate in: Anime X Gaming Experience (or simply EXPcon). The potential for game shows, souvenirs, profit, and general shenanigans is enough to get me through even the toughest Advanced Calculus homework. Then when I arrived home a series of surprising events happened. My mom got the book that describes all of the Broadway shows that are coming to town. Looking at the cover something caught my eye, then while the parental unit was sifting through to see what shows she was interested in, I found one: Avenue Q. I immediately jumped online and tried to get tickets, after an unsuccessful attempt (among other attempts made by someone else), we got the ticket service people on the phone. The desired tickets are going on sale Friday at 10 AM. This means that Friday will be packed and exciting for more than one reason. I'll be waking up early to order the tickets, then spending the rest of the day finishing up business for EXP and making the drive down to the convention where the weekend will officially commence. I have to say, today is a good day.

But I've been even busier than usual lately. For starters, people have been asking me for an update on a certain situation. Even though they have been informed, I want everyone to know: as of now, I'm not moving out of mom's house. There will be moving in the future (to where has yet to be determined), but that won't be until after I graduate. As for everything else, there's been extra stuff at work thanks to a workshop that I'm helping teach. It's been fun so far, especially since this one lady who registered for all of them wants to learn (they all do, but she sticks out because she signed up for all of them). Classes have been busier because of Advanced Calculus, especially the test. Yeah. Planning for things for EXP has been even busier and the most frustrating because whenever I can get some time, something randomly pops up out of nowhere and smashes that. However, the past few days have been mostly normal (except for last night), and I'm hoping to shoot for taking care of some important details on Tuesday. Fingers crossed.

...where s/he will do something that is absolutely pointless, stupid, insane, in some instances regrettable, adrenaline-filled, crazy thing and be proud of it. Tonight, unequivocally, I did. I was part of the Great Underwear Dash that helps donate clothes to charity. First, it was for a good cause (I had something that I almost never wear). Second, Yours Truly simply can not resist a bunch of girls running around in their underwear (and taking pictures and video, at one point doing so running backwards). I was sad that some of those I knew didn't participate, but I was comforted at the people who did. Not to mention the fact that there's now a second picture of me in my underwear for the gameroom to enjoy. Well, there was a lot of running and walking involved, and I have to get up early in the morning. Don't fret, I will tell all about it in person over the coming days.

Needless to say that after this week I've shifted from one insanity to another. This summer had put me into a tailspin as it was, but now this has been a different tailspin all together (I guess a good way to describe it is being multiplied by -1). The gameroom is as alive as ever, especially upgraded (new TVs, computers for the hub, etc.). Not to mention I'm starting to see some of the work that's been finished on campus. It looks nice, but I still see no further purpose beyond that. Anyways, it'll take some adjusting as far as things like food and choices, but other than that things are almost like normal. My classes are balancing themselves out. I'm having a good time in Ethics of Death and Dying, especially because I get to interject some of my craziness in a way where everyone actually learns something. On the flip side, Advanced Calc. It has a different feel since I have a different professor, but that means it's a bit less lively, a bit more boring, and a bit easier (hopefully). Going back to work was an interesting experience in of itself. I haven't seen any effects of the budget cuts just yet, but as time wears on I think that will show itself more. My schedule is a bit easier this time since I don't have to wake up so early in the morning anymore, and it lends itself to seeing about homework for class. I've got my hands in a few different things with work, class, grading papers (hopefully), and the Anime Club. It's enough so that I can keep busy (especially with a con coming up), but it's not enough to where my head explodes. I must say, this week was something that I needed. There are still some things that I have to fix, but it's helped to make my emotions a bit less muddled when it comes to internal and social matters. Will they be straightened out? Dunno. But, it's worth just sitting back and watching anyway.

I had a different title and direction for this entry, but after everything that happened, I feel the need to call an audible. Today started out like normal, especially being the first day of the semester. I went through everything as normal, even heading back to the gameroom. For some reason it always seems crazier on the first day. As far as my Death and Dying class, it was better than I expected. We had a couple of good discussions, and it helps that those in the gameroom who are in my class sat together with me, plus I even contributed using my eclectic television habits (namely a Japanese documentary involving anti-depressants). As far as Advanced Calc goes, I developed a theory that none of the professors who teach it want to make it fun. How are you supposed to succeed if you can't even stay awake? Anyways, turns out that a couple of tutors from work are in the class, so that does help. The day wrapped up with figuring out a way to gank a promotion from someone, then coming home to a barrage of questions about shopping and jewelry (I don't know, I don't care, and I'm getting more frustrated by the second right now). That being said, I knew that my head wasn't going to be straight for a while, and it looks like it'll be longer than I thought. I'm off to try to catch the rest of the football game.

Today I finally shot my scene for my friend's movie. I almost didn't go because I almost got into an argument because of other commitments that I suddenly had, but this took precedence, so there was little bloodshed. The whole process took a lot longer than I anticipated simply because I had to wait. I got to the place to get dressed and take some photos at about noon. This place was big, in a gated community with a golf course, and NICE. Anyway, with the time to kill I got the chance to see what had been shot so far, and I liked what I saw. After an hour and a half, everyone else came so they could get dressed. At about two, we were on our way to the set. It was at another friend's house, and it was bigger and even NICER! By the end of the day my place was put to shame. The scene itself was short, but with all the waiting for everyone else I got home almost two hours late, luckily there was no damage. Now I can sit back, get my parking permit, and look forward to a lonely weekend and a week of preparation.

Hemingway was once challenged to write a story in only six words. His response? “For sale: baby shoes, never worn.” He is believed to have called it his greatest literary work ever. Can you write a story in six words?

Submitted By femspectre

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Especially since I don't feel like coming up with one anyway. The past few days have been filled with extreme amounts of money planning, maintaining sanity in anticipation of big events, and the obligatory downloading of porn. (For those of you that want to judge: I don't shit on your activities, so I expect the same.) I would mention all of the fun and excitement that's been going on lately in grandiose fashion, but there hasn't been any, so I can't and I'm sorry. With me, it's only been preparation for EXPcon in October. Everything else is happening to other people. I don't really know what to say except that the semester is starting in less than a month. Soon, it'll be back to work, classes, and the gameroom. I don't have any real hopes of anything this year because when I do, it all goes to shit. This year is about classes, graduation, and solidifying where the hell my life is going after this year. I've gotten a better hold on my general set of emotions and mixture of malaise and happiness with my life. There will still be days where it all sucks, but there will also still be days where it's the opposite. I don't feel any real excitement about school starting again, but I can't say I feel any apprehension either. With everything that happened this summer, I can't truly say how I feel. All I know is tomorrow is tomorrow, today is today, and odds are yesterday is regret. Well, enough of this for now, I've said enough.

Try to describe yourself in one sentence.

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That happened to me today, long story. Anyways, I'm officially back. The train ride both ways generally sucked, as it just about always does. After we got the rental car it was a bit of a hassle trying to get to my grandma's place. I say it was a hassle because I kept having to give confirmation of where to at least a couple of times every turn. Getting there I had that same uneasy feeling that I always get when I stay there. It was a place not even fit for her, let alone anything that I'm accustomed to. Right away I started to see all of the in-fighting that goes on with my extended family, especially stemming from my aunt. She tried to take control of all of the arrangements and let everyone know it. After a day or so I did get to spend time with a couple of my more favorite uncles and my cousin. The conversation turned to waxing nostalgic. Normally I wouldn't think anything of it, but this time I learned a lot about a couple of key people that shined a much different light than anything I could've imagined. By the 4th of July, mom was already extremely frustrated because my grandma knows she's old and wants everyone to wait on her hand and foot, and I was frustrated because I was away from home and I didn't want to deal with all of this stuff. Not to mention since she didn't have anything to eat in her place that appealed to me, and I wasn't feeling hungry, that soon led to the first physical problems. When we went to the mall to get some shoes the hot, DRY air smacked me in the chest, then because I hadn't eaten and was dehydrated, I got such a big headache that I felt a throbbing sensation in my face and almost passed out. The day of the funeral led to even more fighting, a beautiful service (they did a great job on my aunt, she looked so peaceful, and I hope to see her again just like that someday) and a gathering of relatives that I didn't even know. I ended that night with a phone call from Righteous, a fever, and an urge to go home. The re-pass on Sunday went better, even though I got more of the vibe that one of my aunts hates me and I was in the middle of nowhere. I didn't go to the burial on Monday, mom couldn't deal with it and we had to get ready for everyone coming back anyway. There wasn't any fighting after all of the things that happened at the burial site (if only it stayed that way). Everyone just ate and had a good time. By Tuesday we were both ready to come home. Between a fever, nearly fainting, having a headache and a bloodshot eye due to blood pressure; I'm glad I went to see her, but I simply can't deal with the rest of them again. I have enough paranoia and issues to deal with as is.

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